[⽣命故事] 我們的家庭祭壇 (阿駿和勝哥) [Life Story] Our Family Altar (Joe & Anthony)

阿駿和勝哥 Joe & Anthony

中文版 English

阿駿：

我跟勝哥在10年前經由拓網認識，當時因為勝哥有憂鬱症、教會的服事很重，而我又有嚴重的僵直性脊椎炎、於是他向我提出共組家庭祭壇的建議。我十分贊同，因為：第一，祭壇能夠遮蓋保護我們。第二：祭壇帶下和解。第三：祭壇帶來醫治。

勝哥：

第一個部分，我們談祭壇的遮蓋保護，因為我們每天在教會都形影不離，造成很多教會姊妹的不滿，還有很多的猜測。有一年我們服事聖誕節的戲劇，一位女傳道人，協同牧師要求我們停止演出，他們認為導演跟演員若是有男同性戀會玷污耶穌的聖殿！我們在祭壇中求告主保護我們人身的安全不受破壞，於是這戲劇交由董事會來裁決，最後他們仍然要求如期演出，演出當天受到很大迴響。在這當中很多人因此感動信主，而在一個業績導向的教會中，這位女傳道人跟牧師就不敢再提這件事了，甚至到最後他們必須因這件事引咎辭職。

祭壇第二個好處就是和解，我跟阿駿相差25歲，實在不容易溝通，只有共同順服在一個更高權柄之下、雙方彼此和解才能夠繼續走下去。有一年我們希望參加世貿旅展，但是我們服事的喜樂成長學院，五點多才會結束！阿駿希望我們請假一週，但是我希望不要影響到其他學員，雙方各執一詞。最後在祭壇前我們度過了一個最沈默無言的夜晚。但是第二天天使開路了，突然間所有學員都要提早離開，於是我們多出了一個多小時的時間，此時到世貿時已經五點多了。但神奇的是，我們進去才10分鐘就找到了夢寐以求的行程，並且省下不少錢，當我們六點多離開世貿的時候，心中充滿感激，因為上主他總能讓我們繼續走下去。

阿駿：

在我的小時候爸爸就去中國工作了，對於家裡的關心與問候也基本上是不聞不問，幾乎都是自己處理事情度過，也一直感受到很寂寞，覺得自己的人生總好像少了些什麼，而在這段成長時期也遭受了同儕與鄰居的霸凌，還有陌生人的欺負與搶劫。其實很多時候都想跟自己的母親說這些事情，但一想到媽媽獨自打拼也忍受很大壓力，為了不讓媽媽擔心，所以都忍住不敢說出來。而「父愛」這兩字對我而言一直以來都很陌生，時常羨慕著周遭很多人都能全家開心地一起聊天聚餐，但在我家永遠都沒有實現過…..

直到後來遇到了勝哥，其實我們彼此也都不知道是基督徒，直到見了面認識後，才知道原來我們都是基督徒而且受洗了。不過我在這之前其實是一個游移不定的小羊，離開了上主一陣子，但很奇妙的上主又讓我用這種方式回到祂身邊。

而在我們交往的過程中，也建立了家庭祭壇，每天讀聖經、替別人禱告、也認罪悔改。不過，在建立祭壇也非同想像中的那麼順遂。其實對於當時很年輕的我來說，要好好聽話去築祭壇，說實在也是百般的困難，這就足以讓勝哥很難帶我，雙方之間也發生了多次爭吵，但很奇妙的是上主都會在居中掌權，讓我們度過每段時刻。而其實在這裡也謝謝勝哥耐心的帶領，直到今日直到現在，我們每天都會有固定時間一起築起祭壇讀經禱告認罪與悔改。

其實這麼多年我一直在找尋父愛的定義與答案，但父愛是如影隨形的，因為上主如此的帶領與不離不棄的愛我，其實就是我所需要的父愛。

勝哥：

我們現在談祭壇的第三個好處就是醫治，我在2022年因為注射疫苗而得到末期腎臟病，這病來的又快又急，幾乎奪走我的性命。我們在祭壇前不斷的哭求與求神賜下醫生與貴人，讓我不要被丟到洗腎室去，也感謝主讓我存活至今！

在設立祭壇10年下來，我們盡情的玩樂。但是所有的苦難我們一個也沒有少，就像拿到一片上帝給的苦甜巧克力，當我們品嚐以後才知道那個叫做幸福！

最後，在這邊祝福各位弟兄姊妹找到愛情。若你/妳現在單身也不要放棄，不要輕易妥協，因為我們是神所造的君尊祭司。當我們找到一個愛的人，耶穌他在天堂不知會有多開心，因為他的旨意在地上終於可以成全。

祝福大家一切平安與幸福。

Joe:

I met Anthony 10 years ago via networking and he suggested building a family altar because Anthony was having depression at that time due to his service in many areas at church and I had severe ankylosing spondylitis (a type of arthritis that causes inflammation in the joints and ligaments of the spine). I agreed readily because firstly, the altar forms a protection over us. Next, the altar brings harmony, and thirdly, it brings healing.

Anthony:

Firstly, let’s discuss the protective properties of the altar. We are constantly together at the church and this caused many sisters in the church to be upset, and there was much suspicion. Once we were serving in the Christmas production and a female preacher who was assisting the pastor wanted us to stop acting in the production because they felt that if the director and actor are gay, it would defile the temple of Jesus. We prayed at the altar that God would protect us and keep us safe, hence the production was given to the board to decide on. In the end, they decided that the play would continue as planned. There were many good reviews on the day of the production, and because of that, many were touched and decided to believe in Jesus. This preacher and pastor didn’t dare to continue talking about this matter as the church focused on the positive outcome of the production. In fact, the preacher and pastor resigned later on.

The second benefit of the altar is harmony. Joe and I have an age difference of 25 years and it can be difficult to communicate. Only when we submit to a greater authority can we compromise and continue journeying together. Once, we wanted to go to a travel fair, but the serving at the Center for Joy and Growth ends at 5pm! Joe hopes that we can take the day off but I didn’t want to affect the other students, and each of us has his own point. Finally, we spent a silent night at the altar. However, on the second day, angels opened a way for us. Unexpectedly, all of the students wanted to leave early and we had an extra hour. When we reached the exhibition hall, it was already after 5pm, but miraculously, we found our dream vacation only 10 minutes after entering, and we got a huge discount. When we left after 6pm, we were filled with gratefulness, because God allowed us to continue journeying together.

Joe:

When I was little, my dad went to China to work and he did not care or ask about what goes on in the family. I handled almost everything by myself and always felt lonely. It was as if something was missing in my life. I was bullied by my peers and neighbors, and was even bullied and robbed by strangers. I often thought of telling my mother about these things but when I thought that my mother was working really hard and feeling a lot of pressure, I did not dare to tell her because I did not want her to worry. Fatherly love was foreign to me, and I was often envious of others around me who could eat and chat with their families but I never experienced that.

We didn’t know that the other person was a Christian until we met and confirmed that we were also baptized. However, before we met I was a wandering sheep who has left God for a while. God brought me back in a wonderous way.

As we are dating, we built a family altar by reading the Bible every day, praying, confessing and repentance. However, creating an altar was not as smooth as imagined, and it was challenging for Anthony to lead me. We argued many times, but God was able to be in control and we were able to journey through all of that. I really need to thank Anthony for leading me through all this and even up to today, we would daily find time to build the altar by reading the bible, praying, confessing and repenting.

In all these years I was trying to find the meaning of a father’s love, but it has been so fleeting, because God’s love is in His leading and His love is always with me. This is exactly the father’s love that I needed.

Anthony:

Let us discuss the third benefit of the altar, which is healing. In 2022 because of vaccination, I had late stage kidney disease. It came very quickly and suddenly and almost took my life. We kept praying and crying out to God to heal and have people help us. So that I don’t have to be left in the dialysis center. Thank God that I am still alive today!

In the 10 years of building the altar, we enjoyed ourselves the best that we could. Even though we had suffering, as if we received a bittersweet chocolate from God, we only knew what bliss was after tasting of it!

Finally, we would hope that our brothers and sisters will find love. If you are single, do not give up and do not compromise, because we are the royal priests created by God. When we find someone we love, Jesus in heaven will be overjoyed, because His plan on earth is complete.

Wishing everyone peace and bliss.

中文版 English

[⽣命故事] (彥呈) [Life Story] (Yen Cheng)

彥呈 Yen Cheng

中文版 English

大家好，我的名字叫彥呈，今天我要跟大家分享一段與神相遇，從死蔭幽谷走出，重獲新生命的故事。

從小到大，在師長的眼中，我一直都是一個品學兼優的好學生與乖孩子。還記得是在小學六年級時的某次段考，我考到了人生中的第一個第一名，從此我就更發憤努力的念書，希望可以繼續保持第一名的位置，求取、享受師長們的讚美與肯定。國小、國中畢業時都拿到了市長獎，也常被推選為模範生。我是那種在班級票選幹部時，還會主動舉手願意出來當班長服務大家的好學生XD。

念書這件事，我的父母、老師從來不用為我操心，因為我自己就會把自己逼得很緊。國中時，我就常熬夜唸書到凌晨兩三點。我很享受那種考試拿一百分的感覺，記得最誇張的就是國中入學的第一次段考，八項考試科目裡，我拿了六科滿分，另外兩科也是90分以上，瞬間成了全校的風雲人物。

然而，我卻是那種很會準備小考，但大考就沒那麼厲害的考生。當年國中基測時，我連續考了兩次，還是沒能如大家期待，考上我們高雄第一志願的雄中，最後上了瑞祥高中。不是高雄人的大家，可能沒聽過瑞祥高中，但我們那時都號稱是高雄市立男女合校第一志願XD學校旁邊就是以前的布魯樂谷水上樂園，暑訓上課時，在走廊上還可以聽見滑水道上人們的歡樂尖叫聲！

雖然國中基測好像考差了，但進入高中後，我還是考試第一名的常勝軍，在二年級下學期從自然組轉到社會組後，甚至也考過全校第一名。我繼續維持一貫的讀書方式，但這次很幸運的，我在大學學測中拚盡全力，把國英數社四科都考到了頂標，順利考上了當時心目中的志願：警察大學法律系、國防大學法律系以及中正大學法律系。在當時的人生規劃分析後，我選擇了國防大學法律系。在那年畢業的暑假，年紀僅18歲的我，就穿上了迷彩服，背著沉重的行囊到陸軍官校入伍從軍了。

經過入伍訓的洗禮，回到國防大學管理學院開始就讀法律系。我們的學校位在北投山腳下的復興崗，是一個環境清幽、地靈人傑的好地方。然而軍校終究與一般大學自由快樂的生活截然不同。在高壓管理與霸凌式教導的軍事教育下，一不小心犯錯，就會被長官、學長姐謾罵、體罰，甚至是假日禁足留校。在這樣的高壓環境下，為免被責罵與懲罰，我更加費力地想做好每一件事，不管是念書也好，軍事訓練也罷，繼續努力爭取老師、學長姐、長官們的肯定。

103年畢業任官後，從少尉法制官做起，負責部隊裡大大小小的法律事務。延續著學生時代的生存模式，我從努力爭取好成績，轉變為爭取工作上的好表現，想要把每件工作都做到一百分。日子從以前的熬夜唸書，變成熬夜工作加班。

當然，我也的確獲得了長官的讚賞與重用，如同學生時代，大家總是用「優秀」一詞來肯定我的表現。

然而，隨著工作越來越繁重，我覺得自己內心的壓力也越來越大，總是擔心工作上會不會出毗漏。內心壓力彷彿是一個不斷充氣的大汽球，恐懼著某一天會在工作上犯了大錯，大家就會發現我並不如大家想像中的那麼專業、優秀。

於是，我只能繼續壓抑著內心恐慌的情緒，繼續用過度努力的方式來做好每一件工作。還記得那時候，只要每過星期天中午，我的內心就會開始不自覺的恐慌與焦慮，而我當時唯一的緩解方式，就是下午提早收假回到營區辦公室加班。

雖然外表總是親切、笑臉迎人，但卻沒有人能理解、發現我內心那一顆，瀕臨爆炸的，混雜著恐懼與壓力的大氣球。

畢業不到4年，我經歷了高雄、台南、花蓮、台東等多個單位。在107年的5月，我輪調外島去到了馬祖。在馬祖，我的辦公室只有一位組長及學長，而我那時也才正要升上尉。辦公室的業務非常的多，但我與學長卻是輪流返台休假。也就是說，很多時候辦公室只有組長及一位參謀，所以業務負荷量非常的繁重。外島上班，一週必須工作六天，星期天從早上8點放假，休息到晚上9點就要收假點名，且3個月才能回台灣放假2週。

外島陸軍單位是以高壓方式實施部隊管理，因為我是組上階級最小的，所以每天5點就要起床換裝，代表參加升旗典禮。然後接著早點名、統一進餐廳吃早餐、開晨報會議，然後接著開始一整天的忙碌工作。

這樣的環境下，在唯一的學長也調走後，我的工作狀況開始越來越糟。繁重的業務，讓我每天晚上熬夜加班，連星期天放假也繼續工作。隨著做不完的工作越積越多，我只能繼續用犧牲睡眠、個人休息時間的方式苦撐下去，但心緒也越來越低落。就這樣，沒有足夠的睡眠，也沒有好好的放鬆、從事休閒運動，生理與心理狀態逐漸開始亮起紅燈，工作效率越來越差，落入了可怕的惡性循環。

隨著工作開始出現一連串大大小小的誤失後，我覺得我一直努力維持的好形象終於崩塌了。我變得越來越沒自信，每天都在緊張與恐懼中度過。我開始每晚做惡夢，惡夢的內容大多也都與工作有關。我常常在半夜被惡夢嚇醒，在半睡半醒之際，分不清現實與夢境，繼續為剛剛夢境裡不存在的工作內容而苦惱不已。我感到自己孤立無援，徬徨無助，沒有人可以幫助我，也不敢向人開口求救。我逐漸對活著這件事感到失去盼望。在島上騎乘機車穿梭各營區洽公時，每當看到對向車道的大卡車，好幾次我都閉上了眼睛，想說就這樣把機車龍頭彎過去，了結這痛苦的人生……但一想到家人的傷心表情，才被理智線給硬拉了回來。

終於熬到第2次的返台休假，我彷彿洩了氣的皮球，完全沒辦法放鬆、振作自己的心情。任何事情都沒有辦法讓我感到興趣或開心。我覺得自己一無是處，從原本的自信轉變為極度自卑。把自己關在家裡不想出門，看著窗外晴朗的藍天，內心卻是烏雲壟罩，愁雲慘澹，好像自己永遠就會這樣一蹶不振下去。就這樣熬到了要搭飛機回馬祖的早上，強烈巨大的恐懼與恐慌感瞬間襲上心頭，全身顫抖的異狀讓父母立刻幫我請假並送醫就診。

後來，我因為嚴重的憂鬱症狀住進了台中國軍總醫院的精神病房。住院期間，我與一大群精神疾患的病友們相處在一起，有因為憂鬱症開瓦斯鬧自殺的老爺爺，有因為躁鬱症而無法順利退休的大公司經理，有因為被朋友騙錢而變成精神異常、失去生活自理能力的中年醫生，當然還有很多精神瘋癲，舉止怪異的病友……在病房裡我看盡人生百態。

在醫院休息將近一個月，我接到調回本島的人令，自認已調整好狀態的我，向主治醫生提出出院重返職場的決定。

回到本島後來到新竹某空軍基地，那是一個獨立法制官的位置，也就是說，我沒有其他法律專長的同事一起幫忙。雖然我已不是第一次擔任獨立法制官，但回到職場開始工作後，才發現自己的身心根本還沒有痊癒，並驚覺自己竟喪失了正常工作的能力。我無法專注思考，常常盯著電腦好幾個小時，卻打不出幾個字來。我甚至出現社交恐懼，不太敢跟人說話，因為我怕一說話，同事就會發現我的異常。就這樣，做不完的工作又開始不斷累積。隨著工作越積越多，壓力也就越來越大。工作越是做不完，我就越是把自己關在辦公室，就這樣熬到凌晨半夜，卻還是什麼都做不了。

就這樣，不到一個月，上級又把我從新竹調來了台北，一個有法務組的單位。還記得那時長官對我說，這是我最後一次的機會，再不行，他們也沒地方讓我去了。

回到台北的單位，我的工作狀況仍舊糟糕。每天一起床睜開眼睛，心臟就開始恐慌地加速跳動，對我來說，從睡夢中醒來就是一天痛苦折磨的開始。雖然這次遇到一位很有愛心及耐心的主管，以及願意包容我的學長與學妹，然而，他們越是幫我分擔業務，我就越感到自責與自卑，覺得自己好沒有用。我常常在大家下班後，獨自一個人留在辦公室加班到深夜。好多個夜晚，在瀕臨崩潰之際，猶豫著是否就此賠錢退伍。但當時的我，已對自己完全喪失了信心，不知道自己退伍後還能做什麼自力更生? 就這樣每天如行屍走肉般活著。只有在睡前把醫生開的幾顆藥丸吞下，在藥效發揮，頭腦逐漸昏沉下，才能稍稍得到紓解，並慢慢地進入沉睡。隔日醒來再繼續開啟痛苦折磨的輪迴。

在遇到人生低潮挫折前，我近乎是一個自傲的無神論者，覺得人死了就死了，並沒有神明的存在，也當然沒有所謂的天堂與地獄。也因為這樣，我覺得人凡事只能倚靠自己，只有自己才是個人生命的主人，任何宗教信仰只不過是勸人為善，尋求精神寄託的童話故事。

從出院返回職場後，我的媽媽就開始帶我上教會。那是在台中的某個基督徒聚會處，還記得就在新竹報到上班的前一日，媽媽帶著恐慌、無力的我來到教會，在教會阿姨們的介紹帶領下，我做了人生中的第一次禱告，邀請主耶穌進入我的內心與生命。

在剛開始信主的過程中，我每天努力的禱告，求主恢復我本來的樣子，把失去的快樂給找回來，但好像也不見成效。禱告的當下似乎能得到短暫的平安，但過不了多久，就又被恐懼及壓力給擊垮了。如前所述，我依舊活在每日痛苦的輪迴之中，當然也曾懷疑過這位神的真實存在。

然而，主耶穌在人生命上的動工是一點一滴地，悄悄地，是讓人難以察覺地，卻自始從未停止過。就在某一天，某個時刻，你突然意識到心中滿溢的平安喜樂，感受到溫暖明媚的陽光時，才發現在不知不覺中，神已經默默牽著你的手，走了好久好長的路，終於帶領你走出了死蔭幽谷。

我不知道我是在哪一天從憂鬱的低谷中走出來的，但我確切知道，這是愛我的神持續動工，讓萬事互相效力下所展現出的神蹟。在這漫長的療癒過程中，我遇見了教會的弟兄姊妹，陪著我一起聚會禱告，堅固我對於神的信心；遇見了生命中的貴人主管及同事，陪著我一起慢慢地，重新建立工作上的專業與自信；遇見了一群溫暖熱情的新朋友，帶著我爬起了郊山，登上了百岳，看見了以前不曾體驗過的壯闊風景；也在這過程中，我更加感受到父母與好朋友們對我的愛，原來是無條件的。真正愛你的人，並不會因為你不優秀了，你不好了，就對你失望而離棄你。我不需要汲汲營營的尋求個人表現、討好他人，才有資格獲得他人的關愛。

生命有了裂縫，陽光才照的進來。回首這一段人生低潮的經歷，雖然當下是痛苦不堪，甚至失去了對生命的盼望，但也因為這樣讓我終於敞開內心，讓主耶穌成為了我的生命之主，與神恢復了連結，從死裡復活，重新活出嶄新、喜樂的生命。

在人不能，在神凡事都能。過去的我，彷彿孤身一人，凡事只能倚靠自己有限的能力，在這個世界單打獨鬥，身心滿是傷痕累累。如今的我，凡事交託給神，不再因這世俗的變動而輕易丟失心中的喜樂；不再看重世人對我的眼光與評價，而是定睛專注仰望神，看重的是我與神的關係。

相信愛我們的神，是使萬事互相效力的神。不管當下看起來是好是壞，一切的安排，相信都有來自神，親自為我們量身打造，充滿祝福的美好計畫。希望我的見證分享可以讓大家對我們神更有信心，凡事順服，凡事謝恩，靠主得勝，祝福大家都能活出平安喜樂的豐盛生命。感謝主！

Hello everyone, I am Yen Cheng. Today, I am going to share a story where God and I met, and I had a new life after walking out of the valley of the shadow of death.

In the eyes of my teachers when I was growing up, I was a bright student and obedient child. I remember when I was in 6th grade and I was taking a mid-semester exam, I obtained the top position the very first time in my life. Since then, I worked extremely hard hoping to maintain the top position to earn and enjoy the praises and approval of my teachers. When I graduated from elementary and junior high school, I obtained the mayor’s award and was frequently nominated to be a model student. I was the type whom when being voted for the class committee, would be a good student and take the initiative to raise my hand and volunteer to be the class chairman and serve everyone.

My parents and teachers never had to worry about my studies, because I would always force myself to study hard. When I was in junior high school, I would study until 2 to 3 in the morning. I thoroughly enjoyed getting full score in the exams. The most extreme moment was in my first mid-semester exam, I obtained a perfect score for six out of eight subjects, and the other two were above 90 points, and I instantly became very well known in the whole school.

Even so, I would be very well prepared for tests, but I was not that good at major exams. At that time in the entrance exam to get into a senior high school, I sat for the exam twice, and still did not meet everyone’s expectations to enter the top school in Kaohsiung, which was Kaohsiung Senior High School, and I ended up in Rueisiang Senior High School. Those who are not from Kaohsiung may not have heard of Rueisiang Senior High School, but it was the top mixed gender school in Kaohsiung at that time.  The Blue Lagoon water theme park was beside the school and during the summer classes, we could hear excited screams of the people on the slides from the corridors!

Although it seemed like I didn’t do well in the entrance exams, but once I was in senior high, I was frequently the top student. When I moved from the second year of natural sciences to the humanities, I was the top student in the school. I continued my studying habits, but this time I was lucky and studied extremely hard in the college entrance exams and scored really well for the mandarin, english, mathematics and humanities exams and successfully got into my dream college which was the law faculty of the Central Police University. Between the law faculties of the National Defense University and National Chong Cheng University, I chose the law faculty of the National Defense University. That summer after graduation at the tender age of 18, I wore the camouflage uniform, carried a heavy backpack and entered the military academy to be a soldier.

After being immersed in military training, I returned to the National Defense University to study law. Our school is located at Fuxinggang, which is at the foothills of Beitou. Then environment is tranquil and the people are distinguished. However, studying in a military university is still different from the carefree lifestyle of ordinary universities. The educational methods are highly stressful and we were bullied. If we accidentally made a mistake, we would be scolded, punished or confined in school during the weekends by our officers or seniors. In this highly stressful environment, I would want to do everything well, regardless of whether it was studying or military training so that I would not be scolded or punished, and also to win the approval of my teachers, seniors and officers.

When I graduated in 2014, I started as a second lieutenant enforcement officer, and was in charge of all of the team’s law administration. Continuing my ways of living while I was a student, I changed from working hard to obtain good results, to working hard to perform my duties well, and do every job perfectly. My days changed from studying till late nights to working overtime.

Of course I obtained the praises of the senior officers and was given many opportunities, and as my student days, everyone would use the term “outstanding” to approve my performance.

Even so, as the workload got heavier, I found the stress within me increasing, and constantly feared making mistakes, causing everyone to discover that I am not as professional or outstanding as they imagined me to be.

Hence, I could only continue to suppress the sense of panic and continue to work hard to do well in every job. I still remember during that time, on every Sunday noon, I would start to panic and worry. My only way of relief is to return early in the afternoon to the district office to work overtime. Although outward I am friendly and smiling at people, but nobody can understand or discover the fear and stress which accumulated like a huge balloon that was about the explode.

Within less that 4 years after graduating, I had worked in Kaohsiung, Tainan, Hualien and Taitung. In May 2018, it was my turn to go to the offshore island of Matsu. The office only had one team leader and one senior, and I was about to be promoted to captain. There was much administrative duties, but the senior officer was occasionally returning to the main island during his off days. This also means that there was only the team leader and an advisor, hence the administrative duties were heavy and burdensome. At an offshore island, there are six workdays in a week. The rest day starts from eight in the morning till nine at night and there would be a roll call. For every three months, I can only return to the main island for a two week vacation.

The land military base is a high stress organization, and as I was the lowest ranking officer in my team, I had to wake up every morning at five to change and represent my team to be at the flag raising ceremony. After that it was the roll call, having breakfast at the dining hall, the morning meeting and then I start the day’s busy work schedule.

In this environment, when the only senior officer was relocated, my work situation became gradually worse. The heavy workload caused me to work overtime every night and even when it is my off day on Sunday, I had to continue working. As the amount of unfinished work started accumulating, I had no choice but to sacrifice my sleep. I used my rest time to struggle on but I got more and more depressed. Hence, I did not have enough sleep, relaxation or exercise, and my bodily and emotional condition was on red alert. My work efficiency decreased and that started a vicious cycle.

As I started making big and small mistakes, I felt that the image that I worked hard to build was falling apart. I became less confident and every day I was living in anxiety and fear. I started having nightmares every night and the content was mainly about work. I often wake up from the nightmares in the middle of the night and in my half asleep state I cannot differentiate between dream and reality. I would continue to be frustrated by the non-existent work that was in the dream. I felt alone and helpless, nobody could help me and I did not dare to ask for help. I gradually lost hope in life. When I was riding a scooter passing through various military regions and whenever I saw large trucks on the opposite direction, I would close my eyes many times and thought of turning my scooter and ending this miserable life. However, when I thought of the sorrowful expressions of my family members, I was pulled back by reasoning.

Finally I struggled till the second vacation to the main island and I was like a deflated balloon, totally unable to relax and cheer up. Nothing can make me excited or happy. I felt that I was nothing and my initial confidence turned into a lack of self-worth and I shut myself at home and did not want to go out. I looked at the blue sky of a sunny day but inside, I had dark clouds of gloom, as if I was always going to be devastated. I struggled until the morning I returned to Matsu and a strong sense of fear and anxiety overcame me, and the unusual situation of my whole body shaking caused my parents to help me apply for leave and send me to the hospital for diagnosis.

Eventually, I moved into the Taichung Military Hospital’s mental illness ward because of severe depression. During my stay, I lived with a big group of patients with mental illnesses. There was a grandpa who was depressed and tried to kill himself by turning on the butane gas, a manager of a big company who could not successfully retire because of anxiety, one whose mental state became worse because of being cheated of money by their friend, a middle aged doctor who lost the ability for self-care, and many who went mad and had strange behavior. In the ward, I saw many facets of life.

After resting in the hospital for about a month, I received an order to return to the main island. The doctor proposed for me to be discharged and return to the workplace after I has recognized that my condition has improved.

When I returned to the main island to an air force base in Hsinchu, I was an independent law enforcement officer, which means that I did not have any colleagues that had law expertise to help. Although it was not my first time being an independent law enforcement officer, it was only when I returned to the workplace and started working that I realized my emotional state had not fully recovered, and I was shocked to realize that I had lost my usual working ability. I was unable to focus and think, often staring at the computer for a few hours and was only able to type a few words. And so, the unfinished work started accumulating and the stress increased. As work because unfinished, I would continue to shut myself in the office and stayed till early in the morning, and even so, I couldn’t do anything.

And so, within a month, my superior moved me from Hsinchu to Taipei to a law administration position. I still remember at that time my supervisor told me that this is my final chance. If this does not work out, they have nowhere to place me.

When I returned to Taipei, my work situation was still poor. Every day when I woke up and opened my eyes, my heartbeat would increase due to anxiety and to me, waking up from my dreams was the start of pain and suffering. Although I met a very caring and patient supervisor, and peers who are willing to compromise, the more they helped me with my work, the more I blamed myself and lost confidence, and felt that I was useless. I would often stay alone in the office and work overtime after everyone got off work until it was late at night. Many a night when I was about to give up and hesitated on whether to pay compensation and leave the military. At that time, I fully lost confidence and was unsure of what I could do after leaving. And so, I lived like a walking corpse and only before sleep, I swallowed a few tablets that the doctor prescribed. Under the influence of medication, I felt sleepy and could get some relief, sinking into deep sleep. The next day I would wake up and continue the cycle of pain and suffering.

Before I entered the lowest point of my life, I was virtually a proud atheist. I felt that death was the end and there was no god. Of course, there was no such thing as heaven or hell. It was because of this I felt that I could only depend on myself and I am the master of my life. Any religion was just encouraging people to do good works and fairytales to seek spiritual wellbeing.

After being discharged from the hospital and returning to the workplace, my mother started bringing me to church. That was a certain gathering for Christians in Taichung. I remembered the day before I was supposed to report to Hsinchu, my mother brought the anxious and helpless me to church and the aunts at the church introduced and led me to pray for the first time in my life, inviting Jesus to enter my heart and life.

When I first believed in Jesus, I prayed hard every day, asking Him to restore me to who I was before and return the lost joy to me, but there doesn’t seem to have any result. Prayer seems to bring a moment of peace, but not long after, stress and fear struck me. As I described before, I continued to live a cycle of suffering and naturally I suspected whether this God is real.

Even so, the work in my life that Jesus did was gradual and quiet, which is difficult to detect, but never stopped. One day, at a certain moment, you will suddenly discover that the heart is filled with peace and joy and the warmth of sunlight. Only then, you will discover that when you did not notice, God has already quietly held your hand and walked a long way for a long time, and eventually led you to walk out of the darkest valley.

I have no idea I walked out of the valley of depression, but I certainly know that this is the continuous work of the God who loves me, and let all things work together to showcase this miracle. In this long process of healing, I met brothers and sisters in church who prayed together during meetings and strengthened my faith in God. I also met an awesome supervisor and awesome colleagues who accompanied me to slowly redevelop my confidence in my job, and a group of warm hearted new friends who helped me climb mountains and reached the peaks, experiencing glorious sceneries. Also in this process, I felt the love of my family and good friends even more deeply, and this love is unconditional. The people who really love you, will not be disappointed and leave you even when you are no longer outstanding or performing well. I no longer need to pursue personal performance and please others to earn their love and care.

Only when there are cracks in life, will sunlight be able to shine through. Looking back upon the experience of life’s low moments, there was suffering for sure, and even the loss of hope in life, but it is also because of this that I finally opened my heart and allowed Jesus to be Lord of my life. The relationship with God was restored, I was resurrected from the dead and lived a brand new joyful life.

In man it is impossible, but with God, everything is possible. The old me was as if I was alone and I can only depended on my limited abilities in all things, fighting alone in this world and wounded all over in both my heart and body. Today, I can give all things to God and no longer lose the joy in my heart easily because of the changes in the world, and I no longer need to place importance in the judgement and opinions of the people in the world. I only need to fix my eyes on God and what is important to me is my relationship with God.

I believe in the God who loves me, and causes all things to work together. It does not matter whether it seems good or bad, I trust that all things comes from God and are personally planned by Him especially for us, and they are plans to bless us. I hope that the sharing of my testimony can help everyone have more confidence in our God, submit to Him and give thanks to Him for all things, depending on Him for the victory. I wish that everyone can live out a life of peace, joy and abundance. Thanks be to God!

中文版 English

[⽣命故事] 這一生最美的祝福 (大衛) [Life Story] This is the best blessing of my life (David)

大衛 David

中文版 English

各位同光教會的弟兄姊妹平安，我是桃園小組的大衛，今天很高興能上台跟大家分享我的生命故事，願我的見證能為大家帶來信心、盼望和愛。讓我們一起來禱告：「親愛的主耶穌，孩子感謝你孩子讚美你，主謝謝你藉著同光教會讓更多人來認識你，今天孩子用自己的生命故事來做見證，願主你的話語、智慧、恩典都充滿其中，讓世人都知道你是一位又真又活的神，我們每個人的生命道路都交托在主你手中，願將一切榮耀都歸於你，以上禱告奉我主耶穌基督得勝的名禱告，阿門！」

我今年43歲，而我在40歲之前是從事旅遊業，在雄獅旅遊帶日本團，但卻在三年前2020年新冠疫情剛開始時，我忽然失業了，那時我對自己真的失去了盼望，因為在這之前我都樂於工作，我也很享受在國外飛來飛去，但一夕之間全世界忽然停止了，我整個人失去了重心，尤其是中年失業對我衝擊很大，因為我只會說日文也只懂日本，而我十年旅遊的經歷也在當時找不到工作，所以前半年我去上政府補助的求職訓練班學電腦，考管理員總幹事執照，下半年就到處打零工賺零用錢和勞健保，但也因為中年失業這個危機，讓我想清楚了我下半輩子想要改變些什麼？

生命中的得與失，是永恆不變的道理。因為上帝為你關閉了一扇窗，就一定會為你打開另一扇門。而我就在2020年9月11日當天，來到了同光教會而改變了我的人生，那天是週五的晚上，我跟我的伴小徐下班後，從桃園特地開車上來台北，參加了同家會和教會合辦的收養講座，在這短短的一個小時介紹中，大致了解收養必經的程序和條件後，也點燃了我對新生命的熱情，因為同志除了能夠結婚以外，也能夠成家去收養小孩成為家長，雖然當時只是同家會一本小小的簡介，但卻是我心中大大的盼望！

我很喜歡聖經中的一段經文，哥林多前書‬ ‭2‬:‭9‬ 「如經上所記： 神為愛他的人所預備的，是眼睛未曾看見， 耳朵未曾聽見， 人心也未曾想到的。」我信耶穌受洗今年是第十年了，我跟我伴也在一起十年了，我們在教會認識，也一起在教會成長，這十年兩個人都經歷了感情世界的風風雨雨，我曾經在第三年的時侯因為吸毒被抓去勒戒一個月，本來要分手的我們，因上帝的指引，後來一起去做了六次的感情諮商，最後我們都選擇重新再給彼此一次機會，而我又另外單獨做了三個月的心理輔導，成功戒了毒也戒了性成癮，這一段面對自己黑暗面的路其實不好走，但靠著每一天晚上哭泣禱告的信心，我花了半年時間去修復彼此的關係，雖然認錯悔改的過程很痛苦，但也換來了之後七年不痛不癢的幸福，更讓我真實經歷了「我雖然行過死蔭的幽谷， 也不怕遭害， 因為你與我同在； 你的杖，你的竿，都安慰我。」詩篇‬ ‭23‬:‭4‬

其實同志不管有伴或沒伴，要走收養這一條路都不容易，原則上要通過二年以上的審查標準，才能有機會媒合到小孩。除了一開始的書面申請、健康檢查、財力證明，還要花很多心力和時間去個別會談、團體上課、社工家訪，其實這些法律上的流程只要有耐心，照著機構一步一步走就好，我覺得同志能收養成功最困難的兩個關鍵點就是「公開出櫃」和「親友支持」，因為收養小孩是一輩子的決定，不能中途放棄，所以機構會一再確認你是否已經準備好了，去向社會公開自己的性向和接受外界異樣的眼光和聲音，因為如果要成為一位同志家長，你要有勇氣去保護你的孩子，如果你自己都不能活在陽光下，你又怎麼能成為孩子一生的太陽呢？

另一方面親友是否支持收養也是必考題，因為孩子需要的是一個完整的家，也許你不必跟長輩親戚同住，但若育兒臨時有需要時，誰能及時幫助你支援你，所以你必須自己先去跟親朋好友們溝通，而收養機構也會親自訪談去確認他們的意願，為了這個現實的難題，說真的我跟我母親吵了無數次架，甚至還打過架，只為了要她能接受我未來就是要收養變成家庭主夫，如果她現在不能幫我一起照顧小孩，我也威脅她以後老了我和孫子都不會幫她推輪椅，現在回頭看我也不知道當時我哪來的勇氣去革命反抗，但我讀舊約聖經時也發現大衛的家族歷史本來就像一齣肥皂劇，吵吵鬧鬧的劇情才像平凡的一家人生活，不是嗎？

最後經歷了兩年多的努力，我們終於在今年1/15農曆年前把孩子接進家，我永遠記得那天我能成為家長的感動和驕傲，這十個多月從不會把屎把尿的新手奶爸，變成小孩一個眼神一個動作我就知道他要什麼的黃臉伯大叔，我才明白聖經上所說的，要進天國你要先回轉像小孩是什麼意思，因為世界上最任性的生物就是小孩，他們不爽就是哭就是鬧，因為在他們的眼中只有爸媽，而小孩深信大人就是會愛他原本的模樣，而我們的天父上帝不也是如此愛我們每一個人嗎？

我們誰也不需要再費盡心力去想要討好每個人，因為活在世上一定會有人看誰都不順眼去批評你，也有人一定會無緣無故的去傷害你，但你要知道這都不是你的錯，這是撒旦的詭計，撒旦要你不愛自己去遠離上帝，但聰明的小孩都知道，唯有抓著天父的手不放開，才會有天使保護你，因為天父就是愛的源頭，不管你是不是親生的，只要你肯叫他一聲阿爸父，他就會把全部的愛都給你，不是嗎？這就是我大衛能靠著主耶穌的信望愛，成為翔翔爸爸的生命見證！

最後我們一家三口，想用一首詩歌總結這些年收養的心路歷程，歌詞一開頭就像我前兩年總在睡前禱告，幻想著我可愛兒子的畫面，也獻給在場每一位聽我見證的弟兄姊妹，只要願意放下自己饒恕別人，全心全意的信靠主耶穌，這一生必有最美的祝福。

Peace to the brothers and sisters of Tong-Kwang Church. I am David from Taoyuan small group, and I am very happy to share about my life story. May my testimony bring faith, hope and love to everyone. Let us pray. Dear Jesus, Your child thank You and praise You, for through Tong-Kwang Church more people can come to know You. Today, Your child is using his life story to testify. May Your word, wisdom and blessing be revealed through it, so that the world may know that You are a real and living God. May we commit each of our lives' journey to You, and give You all the glory. We pray all these in Jesus' victorious name. Amen!

I am 43 this year and before the age of 40, I was in the tourism industry and brought tourists from the Lion Travel Agency to Japan. However, three years ago in 2020, when COVID started, I suddenly lost my job. At that time, I lost all hope, because before this, I found joy in my job, and I enjoyed traveling to different countries. Suddenly, the whole world stopped and I lost my what was dear to me. Losing my job while I'm middle aged was especially difficult, because I only knew Japanese and only knew Japan. Due to the 10 years of experience in the travel industry, I couldn't find a job. Hence, for the first six months I attended the government subsidized career training classes to learn how to use the computer, and a management and administration license. In the second half of the year I was going around finding part time jobs for daily expenses, as well as labor and health insurance. However, losing my job while being middle aged caused me to be clear about what I wanted to change in the second half of my life.

Having both gains and losses in life is a concept that will not change forever, because when God closes a door to you, He will open another. On September 9 2020, I can to Tong-Kwang church and it changed my life. It was a Friday night and after work, my partner Xu and I drove from Taoyuan to Taipei after work. We attended a seminar organized by Taiwan LGBT Family Rights Advocacy and Tong-Kwang church, which is about adoption. In a short one hour introduction, we understood the process of adoption and the requirements, and it ignited the passion I had for life. This is because besides marriage for LGBT, we can also form a family by adopting a child and become parents. Although it was a small introduction by the Advocacy, it because a huge hope in my heart.

I especially like one verse in the Bible, which is 1 Corinthians 2:9 "However, as it is written:“What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” the things God has prepared for those who love him. It has been 10 years since I was baptized and I have been with my partner for 10 years. We met in church, grew together in church and in these 10 years, we have experienced the ups and downs in our relationship. In our third year, I was arrested and forced to go to a rehabilitation center for a month because of drug abuse. Initially we were going to break up, but due to God's leading, we went to six relationship therapy sessions, we finally chose to give each other a chance. After 3 months of individual psychiatric help, I successfully broke free from drugs and sex addictions. Facing my darkness was very challenging. However, by depending on the faith from tearful prayers, I spent half a year to repair our relationship. Although the process of confessionand repentance was agonizing, but it brought 7 years of bliss and I truly experienced the promise of Psalms 23:4 "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Regardless of whether LGBT has a partner or is single, the path of adoption is difficult. In theory, it takes 2 years or more to determine eligibility to have a chance to have contact with a child. Besides the application, health screening, and proof of financial status at the beginning, we also need to spend a lot of time and effort to have discussions, lessons, and having a social worker visiting our home. These legal processes only requires patience and following the organization step by step. I feel that LGBT success in adoption has 2 main challenges, which coming out publicly, and support of family and friends. Raising a child is a lifelong decision, and we can't give up halfway. Hence, the organization will keep ensuring that you are ready to come out to the public and accept the world's discrimination, because in order to be a LGBT parent, you need to have the courage to protect your child. If you can't even live in the open, how can you be the child's sun?

The other matter is whether your family and friends are willing to support the adoption, because a child needs to have a complete family. Perhaps you don't have to live with elders and relatives, but if there are sudden needs when raising the child, who can help and support in a timely manner? Therefore, you need to communicate with family and friends and the adoption agency will also talk to them personally to confirm their willingness. Due to this realistic and difficult topic, I honestly argued with my mother many times, and even fought, so that she can accept that in the future, I will be a husband who will be adopting a child to form a family. If she cannot help me to take care of my child, I threatened that when she gets old, her grandchild and I will not push her wheelchair. When I look back, I don't know where I got the courage to rebel, but when I read the Old Testament in the Bible, I found that the family of king David was like a soap opera. When there are arguments in the plot, it is more like a normal family, isn't it?

After experiencing more than 2 years of hard work. we finally brought our child home on the fifteenth of January of the lunar calendar and I will forever remember the touching and proud moment that I can finally be a parent. More than 10 months ago, I have no idea of how to change a diaper as I was a new dad, and I became an experienced dad who knows what my child wants from a look or a movement. It was then I understood what the Bible says about becoming a child in order to enter the kingdom of heaven. This is because the most stubborn living thing is a child, who would cry or fuss whenever the child is upset, and because they only have their parents in their vision. Moreover, children deeply believes that adults love them for who they are. Isn't this how our Father in heaven loves each of us?

No one of us needs to spend effort to please everyone, because in this world, there will definitely be people who would not see eye to eye and judge you. There will also be people who will harm you for no reason. However, you need to know that it is not your fault and it is Satan's plot because he wants you to stop loving yourself and to distance yourself from God, but smart children know that it is only when we hold on tightly to our heavenly Father's hand that we will have angels protecting us. This is because our heavenly Father is the source of love regardless of whether you are blood related or not, as long as you are willing to call Him Abba Father, He will give all of His love to you, isn't it? This is the hope, faith and love that I, David depend on to become Xiang Xiang's father, and this is my testimony.

Lastly, our family of 3 would like to use a worship song to conclude the adoption journey we had these years, and the starting lyrics is similar to the prayer two years ago before I slept, dreaming of the image of my cute son. I would also like to dedicate this song to each brother and sister listening to my testimony, that as long as we are willing to forgive others and full heartedly believe and depend on Lord Jesus, there will be the most beautiful blessing in this life.

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